Being pregnant is so quickly compared to the process of adoption. While similar to a certain degree in regards to the anticipation of a wee ones arrival, it is still so different. My sister is pregnant and so easily words of confidence that her child will be here, flow from her so easily. “when she arrives”, “I think I will buy her this”, etc. Such fortitude that her child will be here soon and all will be well. Sure, anything can happen. Nonetheless, more likely than not, everything will work out as expected. My confidence is a bit more…feigning.
I use words such as “If”, “Lets hope so”, “If it all works out”, “Maybe”, “We’ll see what happens.”, “Fingers crossed!”. Granted these wall of words are not built out of bricks. Certainly, I am not stone cold. I try to be though. I think that if use this lingo I wont get hurt if the Birthmother decides she doesn’t want to go through with the adoption. I contradict myself though because as I say these words allowed I am sure later this afternoon I will be standing on line at some baby store purchasing items that just might come in handy. My overwhelming sense of organization and control is FAR more powerful than my pose.
However, the ONE word I have pretty much stayed hush hush on is that I have never, ever said the baby’s name aloud. People have asked us what name we have picked out. I typically stay silent and let my partner answer it. If I happen to be alone and forced to answer it, of course I will. But I hate the way it comes out of my mouth. Not because I hate the name. I love the name we picked out. I just think it makes it sound so real. Because I want the baby to be real. I will call the baby “Baby”, “Daughter”, “Child”. I have tried to steer away from calling her by her name. When people text it to me or say it, my mind literally goes blank because….well I am not ready to make her real yet. She wont be real to me until the Birth Mother signs the adoption papers and she is ours.
Nevertheless, all that is unhealthy from what I have heard. I just cant hide. I have to let myself feel some joy. Not just for me but for our child. So in an effort to be healthy (as my partner would be so thrilled to hear) I am going to take a step in getting healthy. While I am not going to type or speak of her FIRST name I will compromise and would like to tell you what name we picked out for our daughters middle name and why.
Our daughters middle name will be Alma. The middle name is after my Grandmother who passed away suddenly a couple of years ago. I would consider myself to be extremely close to her. I looked up to her, spoke to her all the time, spent weekends with her and loved her dearly. Grandma Alma was fun to be around. She was hip and cool and funny and wise for her time. I was truly her grandson in many many ways and took after her in many many ways. For instance, her house was spotless all the time. She was the one who taught me to clean my halloween pumpkin with pledge so squirrels wouldn’t eat it. To close the doors of every bedroom in the house when making chicken cutlets, so the smell of grease wouldn’t go into the rooms. It is because of Grandma Alma every christmas I look forward to…every caramel nip candy I put in my mouth I think of her….every tradition I hold onto is to honor her traditions…every time I put Michael Buble or Frank Sinatra on I can see my Grandmother dancing and it all puts a smile on my face. She was my truest friend. I miss her every single day and literally think of her every single day and would give anything anything ANYTHING to be able to pick up the phone and speak to her one more time.
And THAT is why I cannot say my child’s name out loud yet. Because it makes it to real.