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What if she changes her mind?

How do you remain so excited and so guarded all at the same time?

Seems like a pretty impossible task.  Part of me wants to swipe the AMEX at every baby shop I come across.  Another part of me say’s “just wait…what if she changes her mind?”  It is a very conflicting way to feel.  Adoption is simply a roller coaster ride which, that from the moment the adoptive parents are matched with an unborn baby, they begin to love the baby whole-heartedly knowing full well that their want for a family of their own, can change at any moment.  We happen to be quite lucky to have been chosen by a young girl who seems to have fallen in love with my partner and I as much as we have for her.  Smart, funny, positive, and completely forthcoming in every way.  She has made it quite clear to us that the child she is carrying, she feels is our child.  We have 139 days to go before her due date and I am quite sure that we will enjoy our interaction with her until than.

However, who’s to say she will feel the same way when that child is born?  It’s always, consistently, an unspoken fear that is in the back of our minds.  Once she sees that baby, the bond may be to strong for her to break.  Maybe she will back out of her adoption plan. The positive advice and cheering on that we get from others, while very much appreciated, does not diminish that fear whatsoever.

Nevertheless, I have come to accept two points about this.

Firstly, doesn’t every baby’s arrival deserve to be anticipated with joy?  I’ve read that the woman who choose an adoption plan for their unborn child, want the adoptive parents to be excited.  They want to see and hear the joy and delight in the adoptive parents voices.  The young woman who chose us texted me the other day stating that she is so happy to share this adventure with us.  It is indeed a shared adventure with a very healthy transparency between us.  (Which in itself is something to be celebrated).

Secondly, if she happens to change her mind, she has every right to do so.  After all, she is indeed the mother.  As hard as it was for her to choose an adoption plan for her unborn child, it must be even harder to hand that child over to (virtually) strangers.  Furthermore, if she happens to have doubts and decides to parent herself, I am quite positive that it would be very difficult for her to break that news to us.  Especially after the experience that we are all sharing together.

Don’t misunderstand me-I will be devastated if she changed her mind-especially at the last minute.  I probably wouldn’t be able to bring myself to even speak to her…or ever to speak her name.  However, once my emotions settled and reality sinks in…all I would be able to do is be so grateful to her that she had chosen my partner and I to parent her child. That she thought well enough of us to entrust in us something so wonderful.  If she decided to keep the baby…well we would wish her all the luck and love in the world. What other choice would we have?

But for the next 139 days, we’ll continue to remain her rock, her friend, her confidant throughout this process.  We’ll continue to love this unborn child and to love this young woman who is the only reason why we are out looking at cribs and changing tables.  I thank her everyday and will push forward in preparing for our child to arrive and be placed into our arms.

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